# ..............................................I be bloggin' yo!

....So, you thought you wanted to go back to high school, well...

## I'm the teacher

A high school teacher whose dream was to teach first grade. Landed there, and haven't left. Some call me crazy, I call it good times.

## 07 July 2009

### CHALK

I have seriously been negligent of the old blog, I know... but to make it up to ya'll I figured I'd share a cute end of the year story.
Somehow in school, secrets never stay secret for too long, and for those who did not know I was pregnant they found out when one of students yelled out in the middle of class- MISS! YOU HAVE CHALK ON YOUR BABY!!!!!
And sure enough, there on my slightly puffy tummy, was chalk, I must have somehow brushed my stomach up against the board while I was writing!

## 10 March 2009

### Pop Quiz.

Question:  Who is SpongeBob?
Answer: NOT a sponge from the kitchen sink that FELL into the ocean and was made into a cartoon character.

Scenario:  I passed out a worksheet today that I adapted from another teacher at my school, and in an effort to make learning "fun", it features SpongeBob SquarePants and SpongeSuzy RoundPants as parents.  The object is to make Punnet squares with their genotypes and figure out the probability of their kids getting RoundPants or SquarePants.  One of my students took one look at the worksheet, and very seriously said (in AWE), "I didn't know SpongeBob was Biology."  Later conversation informed me that all my kids thought SpongeBob was a sponge to clean pots and pans with.

## 07 March 2009

### Reasons why I did not pass the MTEL

1.  I do not know why prime numbers when added together, squared, multiplied by 7654982456 then divided by 10 to the 52nd still stay prime.
2.  I must have been asleep in history when they taught about World History...and possibly U.S. history as well.
3.  I do not believe elementary students should have to study the reason why the dictionary impacted our society.
4.  There were far too many answers that I marked "C".
5.  I hardly used any "A's".
6. I cannot explain two ways the Civil War changed U.S. policy.
7.  I wanted to spend another 200 bucks next time they offer the test.
8.  The reason that a triangle inside of a cube under a circle has lateral area of 15bhpie plus 42mxy is the only formula I forgot to study.

### I teach Rockstars.

Two stories that will warm your heart...
First:
One day last week, one of my outrageously dramatic students, (who really should take to the stage), BURST into homerooom, STOPPED, and threw his hands in the air, all while doing a little twirl.
All this because he got his hair did.
Priceless.
Second:
A conversation that makes me feel that I may be a TILF....
Student:  Miss, can I take you out to dinner?
Me:  Ummmmmmm....... welllllllll....... Um, well, My husband wouldn't really like that too much.
Student:  What if I ask him?  If he says yes, will you let me take you to dinner?
Me:  I don't think he will say yes.
Student:  Well, what if I brought you out to dinner near the school, I will pick you up there and drop you off there.
Me:  No.  I really can't.  Thanks for asking though, that's very flattering.
Student:  I'm ALMOST 18 Miss!!!! Give me a chance!!!!

Good God, these kids are crazy!

## 24 February 2009

### How cutting my hair is a life-altering experience...

...for my students I mean.
Students:  Miss!!!!   You cut your hair????!!!!????
Me:  Is that a question or a statement?

My Silent Thoughts:  Obviously...it's like 4 inches shorter...

Students: (in unison)  WHY!!!???!!!!

Students: (all at the same time) Oh My God!  But I liked it long! You look ugly now! Why???  I told you to grow it out!  It's short!  Oh No!

My Silent Thoughts:  Did your boyfriend break up with you/ your gramma die/ your foot fall off/ your cell phone break/ your world end due to a 4 inch haircut?  Sorry I had no idea of the impact I have on global warming and natural disasters.....

## 18 February 2009

### Because there is nothing teachers like better than lists.

Things I have learned about myself over February vacation:
1.  My body wakes up naturally at approximately 8:25 each morning.
2.  I love my job. (When it's february, april, christmas or summer vacations.)
3.  I am not smarter than an elementary school student.  (Ask me for my results on the General Curriculum practice test.)
4.  I am not an alcoholic.  I do not in fact NEED a drink at 5 pm on the dot on days that school is not in session.  ::PHEW::
5.  I love learning.  Disclaimer:  When I am not shoving it down the throats of 15 year olds...
6.  I miss my kids. (hahahah, this one is not true- just wanted to see if you were paying attention!!!!)

Self realization is a beautiful thing.

## 16 February 2009

### To commemorate a favorite story

A few days ago we had our Valentine's day dance.  Aside from the dry heaves in reaction to the gross displays of affection among the sweaty high school kids in a darkened, hot, smelly cafeteria, I also experienced a trip down memory lane.
Last year, at this very dance, right before february vacation, some of my favorite teachers and I experienced a situation that was so ridiculous, it has been the material for many jokes since.
It was nearing the end of the dance, when a mom pulls up in her car outside the cafeteria.  Her son gets out, and some other kids show up, apparently they were going to fight.  News travels fast and suddenly, the kids at the dance flood out the back doors in hopes to catch some of the action.  All hell breaks loose and us teachers rush outside to break up the fight.
Well, mom doesn't like this at all, so she gets out of her car and starts yelling.  When she sees one female teacher trying to pull some kid off another kid, she starts screaming- "WHO THE F*\$@ IS THIS B!#*+?"
Apparently, by trying to save the lives of deluded adolescents, we have pissed off the very mature mother.
The mother then gets in her car and accelerates as fast as she can through the throng of fighting kids, nearly running over 3 teachers and a dozen students.  She only nabbed one kid, running over his leg.
This apparently satisfies her urge to kill someone, and she screams at her son to get back in the car.  He does, and they speed off.
Thank God the police force didn't come down and help us out.
All joking aside, this was a horrific experience, but come on!! How funny is it that now we can all yell the phrase "WHO THE F&\$# IS THIS B*%\$#@" whenever we get mad at someone!?!?!?!?
XOXO to all my teachers who know this story well and lived to tell it.  Till the next time, x to the o-

## 08 February 2009

### "No no honey, leave it on. We do not take our shirts off at school."

This is not a statement I feel ready to say when I am teaching high school. Of course, it is par for the course when you teach kindergarten, but tenth grade?
::disturbed::
But, of course, because it is the exact opposite of what I would expect, I had to ask my student to leave his shirt on on Friday.
I was talking with a teacher in the hallway, and when I re-entered my room, there he was, sans shirt, skinny, ribs and boxers out, jeans low....stretching.
Where was his shirt? On the radiator in the back of the room. He was cold and wanted to warm up. Makes sense right? No. Not Really.
Go figure.

## 05 February 2009

### Under the table and crying.

For those of you who aren't lucky enough to teach with me, here's the latest and greatest.  This week has been AWFUL (as weeks that are not vacations often are).  Yesterday, after an invigorating pep talk from a teacher who believes children are MEANT to fool around, I was feeling a bit guilty about my crankiness towards the babes.  Here's a short version of the pep talk:

Teacher:  In good practice teaching, you always have a starter activity for the kids to do right away.

My inside my head voice:  OMG here she goes...

Teacher:  It keeps the kids from fooling around, and I believe in tough love, these kids need direction- even in high school.

My inside my head voice:  Yah, Yah...

Teacher:  It is not a kids job to come sit down and learn, it is their job to be kids and fool around.  Good practice teachers guide them lovingly to do their work.

My inside my head voice:  Oh My God, I SUCK.  It isn't their faults.  I don't guide lovingly. I scream and plead!!!!  They are angels, I am the devil.

Well needless to say, I had a nightmare that night.  My department head walked into my classroom with a clipboard, ready to evaluate me, and I was under my desk.  Crying.

When I finally pulled myself together enough to get up and teach, I realized the lesson I had prepared was in Math.  I teach Science.  I was salted.

Remember this is only a dream.

Today.  In real life:  My department head walks in with a clipboard.On the bright side, I was not under my desk crying.

## 03 February 2009

### We are nothing like the Freedom Writers

Although I must say, I look as pretty, if not prettier than Hilary Swank when I get all dolled up for my glamourous day at school.
We do however, believe in freedom of speech.  For example:  On a  recent field trip to to our city's highly educational Science Museum, I was graced with an enlightening and witty comment from a fifteen year old boy practicing his right.
While watching a movie that portrayed a real birthing experience, he felt the urge to scream out: "Man she needs a wax".
Am I supposed to comment on this at all?  I am scared. Not only that he felt that this was an appropriate comment, but that he knew enough at fifteen to make the comment.
I must admit I giggled later though.  Man did she need a wax!

## 31 January 2009

### Talkin' the talk

In order to fully appreciate the young of today, you will need to know what they are saying.  Here begins a list of terms...this will grow as needed.

Salted- Kinda like dissed- for example if you get proven wrong, or someone makes fun of you, you are salted.  You can also be mad salted.  There is also the spanish equivalent, that sounds like salow! but of course I couldn't spell it if my life depended on it.

Sauced- Like salted but not as cool.

No homo- If you tell a friend of the same sex you like his/her outfit, hair, phone, piercing,or  weave- you have to add no homo, man, no homo.

Thirst- You want it really bad.  Teachers are often thirst when they ask students to take off their hats and tuck in their shirts.  You can also be mad thirst.

Forcin' it- This is used to describe situations where people are being ridiculous.  If a teacher asks a student to actually do schoolwork, they are forcin' it.  When someone insists they are right, they are forcin' it.  You can also say "that's a force"  in reference to a situation.

Lean- This term also involves hand motions.  First, you give a friend the "come here" sign with your hand.  When they lean in, you say "lean" in a loudish, quick type voice, and at the same time, hit the side/back of their head.  This is very funny and can be done at any time, especially when someone is being stupid.

## 28 January 2009

### Ain't nuthin but a "G" thang...

I am a high school teacher at a lovely place we'll call "City High".
Disclaimers:
1.  For the sake of all involved, if you are a parent of a high school student, or a teacher who has no sense of humor, stop right here.  This blog may offend you.  That being said, for those who chose to read  on, it's not like my fellow teacher sand I don't dearly love our babies, it's just that to deal with them, and the crazy situations we sometimes need to poke some fun, have some drinks, swear that we hate it, and complain too much.
2.  These are true stories.  they happened to me and the people I work with and the students.  Names and details have been changed to protect the innocent, the crazy, the nerds, the thugs, the haters, the teachers and the school.
3.  So please, don't try and figure out who we are, just sit back and enjoy the ride!

## My Shelfari Bookshelf

Shelfari: Book reviews on your book blog